ALBUM: U2 - No Line On The Horizon

Ah, a U2 review. Finally.

2004’s ‘How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb’ was their last studio effort, so it’s been a while. The usual subsequent stadium tour was the real star of the whole thing, of course – U2’s live show has always been unparalleled. Which is all fine and dandy, but come on your Irish fucks – the last good thing you did was ‘All That You Can’t Believe Behind’, and that was ten years ago for chrissake. Even that collaboration with Green Day was unexciting (also an obvious cash-in), so what do we have that is good from the twenty-first century ‘biggest band in the world’? Vertigo. Maybe City Of Blinding Lights too. That’s it, readers. Not great going from motherfucking you-two, is it?

This album’s poor. And bland. And a combination of the two which I like to call pland, or bloor conversely. It’s simply Bono going through the motions, and the rest of the band (‘pshh, what’s the drummer and bassist’s names again?’) don’t do much to help either. The opening title track is probably the best thing on here, but even though only because it sounds ever so slightly different. There are some nice little odd squeals from the guitar, the customary intelligent percussion layering from Larry Mullen Jr. (see, I remembered his name), and a lovely chord change which underpins the whole track. But unfortunately, it never really stands up to its own wannabe pretensions, instead opting for being rather boring for its entire four-minute and twelve-second duration. Magnificient, on the other hand, is rather nice, but again not a great song. It only gets going with a lovely falsetto leading into a simple guitar solo, but before you know it the damn thing’s over. Up next we have Moment of Surrender: there are definitely some great lyrics here, but alas! It drags itself out for seven whole minutes, none of which are particularly awe-inspiring, moving, or touching in the slightest. It won’t even make you fidget in your seat apprehensively. It’s that boring.

Okay – so far, not so good. Maybe the ongoing theme of rubbishness will let up? No dice, sadly. It’s another six-minute ‘epic’. By God, if some of this was more phatly produced – yes, I did just use ‘phat’ as an adverb – it wouldn’t be so bad. It purely feels empty; the Edge’s mildly clean guitar rattles over a void that’s now and then interspersed with a couple of unimaginative ‘whoa-oh’s. Brian Eno, while a genius, doesn't show it here.

Bono is generally a good singer. However, sometimes not the most tasteful. I’ll Go Crazy If I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight – yep, that’s really the title readers – sees Sir Paul David Hewson utilising some utterly useless head voice in some delusional eighties-sexiness. No, Bono. You’re nearly fifty. Don’t try and be Madonna.

And now the first single! The instant I heard this, Get On Your Boots, my positive feelings for the album prior to its realise were compromised. It does have an attention-grabbing Spanish flavoured chorus, however it should’ve been the pre-chorus. I’m waiting for that massive eight-bar U2 refrain, and it never comes. I feel like a lover stood up, waiting forever in the rain. Severely disappointing.

I don’t think I’m going to go through and shoot down the rest of the album. It kind of makes me feel bad. On the other hand, this is a really boring record. Not bad, not terrible, not abhorrently horrendous – simply boring, and that is it. White As Snow is its sole redeeming tune, and even then isn’t fantastic. You should also know, this is coming from a self-proclaimed U2 fan. ‘The Joshua Tree’ and ‘Achtung Baby’ are both fantastic pieces of work, especially the latter. The way they have managed to carry on with no line-up changes through their career since 1976 and change their sound on every release is impressive, especially noting the sonic metamorphosis between ‘88 and ‘91. Even if the quality of their studio efforts has declined since the close of the last century, their live performances have been getting nothing but more and more fantastic. And that’s really the only reason U2 still deserve a spot as big in the music biz as they have now: filled stadiums the world over singing back Where The Streets Have No Name, One, It’s a Beautiful Day and With Or Without You is pretty much the most epic thing you’re going to see and hear. But it is a shame that this group, who have now become such a titanic brand, can’t deliver the radio goods anymore.

Overall – 3 / 10

Get it? - I honestly don't feel anything for this album either way.